Family constellations and Buddhism–alignment?
A great way to start understanding Family Constellations work is to look at it through a Buddhist lens.
At the heart of Buddhism lies the concept of the central delusion: the mistaken belief that we exist as separate, independent individuals disconnected from everything and everyone else. This belief is deeply ingrained and, as one of my teachers once said, “We’re hardwired to deny this truth.” In Buddhism, this delusion is seen as the root of suffering (dukkha). It drives us to cling to our sense of identity, desires, and aversions, leading to dissatisfaction. The Buddha taught that this separation is an illusion because, in reality, everything is interconnected and impermanent.
We grow up crafting stories about who we are and how we fit into the world, slowly building an identity. We cling tightly to these stories because they provide a sense of stability. Our experiences, shaped by our conditioning, become our reality—including our experience of self.
Modern psychology mirrors this understanding. It agrees that our sense of self is a construct:
Psychological, because it’s shaped by mental conditioning
Social, because it develops in relation to others; and
Linguistic, because we use words like “I,” “me,” and “mine,” which create the illusion of a distinct self.
But in reality, language misleads us into thinking there’s some ‘thing’ behind these words.
Books that capture conversations between Western neuroscientists and the Dalai Lama are fascinating. They reveal how Buddhist insights are increasingly confirmed by scientific discoveries. One of my favorites is Healing Emotions: Conversations with the Dalai Lama on Mindfulness, Emotions, and Health by Daniel Goleman. In these dialogues, science validates what Buddhist practice has shown for millennia.
Where psychology aims to help us adjust our delusional sense of self to better fit into society, Buddhism goes further. The Buddha’s teachings show us how to deconstruct this self, revealing how deeply uncomfortable this construct actually is. It’s why we often feel a constant sense of unease. By staying with that discomfort, we begin to see glimpses of our deeper connection to everything.
This understanding can be a powerful entry point into Family Constellation work.
In constellation sessions, we shift away from the mind’s rational, logical approach and tune into the messages from the body. We move beyond the limitations of language, speaking only in brief, focused sentences. We allow sensations and emotions to express themselves, without trying to make sense of them. In this way, we can begin to loosen our grip on the stories we’ve held onto for so long. Sometimes, even deeply rooted patterns of suffering start to shift.
This also explains how one person can meaningfully represent another family member in a constellation session. We’re not truly separate from one another; we’re connected. When we let go of the mind’s constructs, we can tap into what needs to be expressed within the family system. The process isn’t filtered through the thinking mind—it’s felt in the body, witnessed, and allowed to be.
As a facilitator, I always encourage clients and representatives to refrain from discussing their experiences for at least three months. This allows time for what’s been witnessed to be processed on a deeper, non-thinking level. It’s the soul work of constellations. The soul of the family system moves slowly, making shifts where they need to happen. If we rush to rationalize what we’ve seen, we risk limiting those possibilities.
So why does this work? Because it liberates us. It helps us step back from our conditioned responses and realize we have a choice in how we engage with the world. We're no longer compelled to identify with certain behaviors.
At one constellations workshop, I had a profound realization while representing different family members. I saw how I had been living in a system overwhelmed by disconnection, but in that moment, I could feel both connection and disconnection without being consumed by either. This experience deepened my awareness of embodiment—how vital it is to stay grounded in the body. When we’re disembodied, we lose access to critical information about our experience and make decisions that don’t truly serve us.
On a silent Buddhist retreat, it takes time to see through the illusions we cling to. But the Buddha’s teachings on impermanence, unsatisfactoriness, and selflessness offer reliable guidance. If we catch these characteristics during meditation, we begin to see the fragility of the psyche’s constructs.
Family Constellation work offers another perspective on the world. It moves us further away from the individualist culture we live in and closer to recognizing our interconnectedness. We are deeply shaped by those we grew up with, and they, in turn, were shaped by those who came before them. This is the system we’re all part of, stretching back through generations.